This is a blog about relationships, marriage, companionship, love. While I am fully supportive of the union of marriage, love, being in a committed relationship, etc. What I am not a co-signee of, is sacrificing yourself, your identity, your happiness, for the sake of someone elses happiness.
Sadly, I see it happen all the time. Your spouse/lover/mate does not approve of something you like doing, something that makes you happy, so you stop doing it, to make them happy, because you love them.
And then you end up miserable. Why? Because you sacrificed yourself for the sake of someone elses security, and happiness. Something you should never do. Not even for your s/o, and I'm going to tell you why you shouldn't.
You are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone elses. If someone elses being happy relies solely on what you do or don't do for them, and to go one step further, relies on controlling you and what you do in your life, then that person might need a mental stability check. And the same can be said for you, if you are the controlling person in the relationship. If you don't like something that your partner does that makes them happy, guess what? You don't have to.
You should ALWAYS do what makes YOU happy, so long as you do not harm anyone else or yourself. And in some cases you may be harming yourself, if you are not doing the things that bring you bliss in life. And it is also very easy to do the things you want in life, without hurting anyone.
Unfortunately, real talk, this isn't always the case, and I see it happen more often than not, one persons happiness is reliant on whether or not their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend approves. I've been guilty of doing it, and well, I've had it happen to me. And it happens regardless of whether male or female. I've seen husbands miserable because they "couldn't" do something they really wanted to, like travel or a hobby or hanging out with buddies, because their wife would throw them out of the house if they did.
I've seen women, myself included, miserable because we felt trapped in a situation that made us unhappy. And a lot of times, in both cases, it had to do with our own insecurities, and the insecurities of our controlling mates. I've been on both sides. Thankfully for me, I grew out of that mode of thinking, and I grew up. But there are a lot of people who have yet to figure this out.
On the flipside, I've also seen a series of events that led to a relationships end, divorce, and said individuals finally being free to do what they really wanted, and meeting someone who was, like them, aligned with doing what they loved, and being a supportive mate.
Now, to be clear, I would never tell anyone what to do in their relationship. That's for the individual to decide, not me, and everyone is different. But in short, if you aren't happy, and you're in a relationship where you are not happy, not doing the things you really want to do, you may want to do some self assessment, and figure out what works for you.
That may mean taking some risks, it may mean letting go of your current life as you know it, but it may also bring you closer to your true self, your life purpose, and your happiness. Relationships are about sharing, companionship, and enjoying a life together. It should never ever be, about one person sacrificing to make the other person happy, or vice versa. Realistically speaking, if you're in a loving, supportive relationship, you shouldn't have to sacrifice anything.
AND truth be told, you don't have to like everything your s/o does, or vice versa. You may not like movies, and your s/o does. You may like music and your s/o likes going to ball games and you hate sports. You might like going fishing and your s/o might not go near any large body of water. This is small scale stuff, but whatever it is you're into, you should not have to do a complete 360 and crush your dreams.
Yes, I am aware of stories where people left their homes and families in pursuit of their dreams. Some would say it's a very selfish thing to do, and I would agree that it is... selfish, but as far as being right or wrong? (shrug) Depends on how you see things and how you look at life. Furthermore if we're going to talk about being selfish, I will be the first to tell you that there is nothing wrong with being selfish. And in some cases you have to be selfish, because you have to take care of you before you can truly take care of anyone else.
Some would also say that's why I'm single. I would say they're right. I am not a difficult person to get along with, it's just that I'm 1. used to taking care of myself and 2. I like my alone time. Oh, and 3. I know exactly what I want. Even in relationships I think people need to spend time away from each other, it's perfectly healthy, and it doesn't mean you're a horrible spouse if you just want to hang out with the fellas or go out with your girlfriends. I'm also an advocate for traveling alone whenever possible, change of scenery is good for you, and no... that won't make you a horrible mate either.
I actually had some guy bash me for being "too picky". But honestly, why should I waste both your time and mine, by telling you what you want to hear? Would you carry on with someone you had no chemistry with??? I do not believe in settling.... AT ALL. Settling for half a person, is just basically saying you aren't worthy of whole love. I've seen happily married folks too, and wholly in love. I think it's wonderful. It's one of many reasons I don't believe in settling. The other reason being, I've seen some miserable blankity blanks, miserable because they settled and then weren't happy with what they ended up with. I've also wholly loved and didn't receive that same love in return. It happens, and there is nothing necessarily wrong with loving someone who doesn't love you back, but you are, just as anyone is, entitled to fulfilling your needs.
Lastly, hello, this one is simple: COMMUNICATION. Do we even need to discuss this? How do you live with someone and never talk to them? How do you wait until the relationship has nosedived to finally open up and tell each other how you really feel? Makes no sense, but... it happens. My point is a lot of the happily married spirits I know, are happily married because they talk to each other, allow each other their personal space, and support each others goals and intentions. And yes... I do know several people who ARE happily married. It's a wonderful thing.
Remember, if you really want something, you can have it. The Universe helps those who help themselves. So if you really want to do something, just remember the only thing holding you back is you. If you have an unsupportive or controlling spouse, and you're miserable, you are the only person who can change that. If you don't recognize the person in the mirror, you need to find yourself and figure out who you really are. No spouse or s/o can do that for you.
The Trauma of Being Laid Off
5 years ago
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Marriage, as a contract, should remove the exclusivity clause. No devorces. Hold unioun with as many people as you like, with whom you like, whenever you like. It's sort of like a promise: " I dig you fo life, along with all these other chill people." Imagine being truelly married to thousands of people and each one of your spouses is also married to a ton of people. You don't have to have sex or kids, but there's still that deep understanding that you've both agreed to hold for life. Lifes to short to pick one person and shut the door on everyone else... That's just f'd up. I can't count the number of times I've been hit on by people in a marriage or relationship. Curiosity is a natural thing and should never be repressed... I feel very stongly bout this.
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